A Not So Average Life

I'll make this quick since the last post was so extensive. :/

Reapplying for temporary disability, been fainting and having mild seizures, can't work, need money for meds and whatnot.

Officially enrolled in school. Still no mjaor, but leaning towards a certificate in photography, or possibly transferring to a career college that has medical information tech on a shorter waitlist. Still trying to figure out the financial aid stuff!

Kate is home, love her!

Joey is still in basic training. Get to go see him in just a few short weeks, so excited! Actually got to talk to him on the phone last wednesday for 15 mins :)

Just won a game on rummy 500 against my mom FINALLY! 250-565 :)

My cat has taken to sleeping with me, and taking over my pillows.....

Anyway, a lot coming up! Pumped and ready!

How is everyone else? Tell me what's been going on with you :)

"If you could go back in your time, what would you change about your life?"

Not a damn thing. I haven't had the best life, not by far. However, I have had the most perfect life I could have ever written for myself. I've had ups and downs, oh the downs, but all in all, everything has pieced together so wonderfully. I couldn't imagine anything any other way.

I grew up in many places, each with it's own character. Fairborn, West Carrollton, Moraine, North Dayton, I could go on. I grew up with hundreds of people. Friends, friends of friends, good samaritans, again, I could go on (and on and on), My mom is the only person that has stuck with me for my entire life. My real father was only around long enough to make a few bad memories and teach me lessons I wouldn't understand until much later in life. I am one of the luckiest girls in the world howver, to have an amazing dad, Kevin, who is my little sister's dad, but has a heart big enough to call me his own. From him I gained a huge family, and a few more brothers and sisters whom I absolutely adore. So that's pretty much it, Mom, Dad, and my siblings. I wouldn't have it any other way, they are all so amazing in every way.

I used to consider myself a victim of circumstance, of other people's bad decisions. It's taken me a long time to realize that I'm not a victim of anything, but I was given a gift. A gift to start at the bottom and learn to make my way up on my own. I've seen the best and worst of people. I've been homeless. Twice. Lived in shelters, people's spare bedrooms, on couches, alot of places. That didn't beat me down. That taught me to be thankful for everything I have. Everything I have, from material to intangible, I have earned. I wake up everyday grateful for the bed I sleep in, the food I eat, even the shoes I wear. It taught me to never take people at face value. Everyone has a story, a reason behind the person that they are. It taught me to give back. So many people have given to me in so many big and small ways, I have to make sure that I pay it forward, in any way I can. People have given me everything from a place to sleep to confidence and dreams. I can never repay all the goodness and love that has been sent my way, but I promised myself a long time ago that I would spend my life trying.

I have seizures, I have anxiety disorder, I faint, ALOT. I'm not mad about it, I don't let it affect my life. I just learned that I need to slow down, and appreciate every good day that I have, every counscious moment that I have. I had to learn really quick to be grateful for the body that I was given, and that I need to take care of it. I learned how hard it is to have people gawk and stare when I have an episode in public, and how hard it must be for other people who have it alot worse that I do. At least I can walk and breathe and talk and go in public. So every step I take outside is taken in confidence, for those who may not be able to do the same.

I have been through so many bad romantic relationships. At first I was mad, at them, at myself, but again, another lesson. No one is all bad, everyone has alot of good in them. Don't get me wrong, it took alot to see the good in people who hurt me so much, but I feel alot better now that I have. They themselves have taught me things. Like, to take care of myself first, and make sure I am a whole and happy person before sharing my heart. Never let anyone treat me less than I expect to be treated. Have confidece in myself, so that others can have confidence in me. They all definately taught me positive arguing skills, haha. The best part of all of that however, they all led me to a man who treats me way better than I ever expected to be treated, who I can talk to and trust, and whom I love deeply. I think they may have all been pointing me in his direction, so I can't say I'd change anything about my relationship past. I think he's "the one" you guys. :)

Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect, and there IS a lot I would like to change about my present self. I cuss, I smoke, I sleep too late. I procrastinate, I judge people, I don't take care of myself as much as I should. I've hurt people, I haven't been the greatest role model for my little sister. I'm not in school, I've made terrible decisions and said terrible things. I can't change what has already happened, but I can have an affect on what will happen. I can't fix mistakes I've made, but I can get off my ass and do what needs to be done. I can, I will and I am.
I don't know why I'm writing this. It could be the cold medicine, the playlist on my iPod, who knows. I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is; this is me. I hope someone, somewhere, can read this and find something in this. Maybe, learn to appreciate everything you have, or do everything you can to help people because you never know when you'll need help yourself. Or that you can overcome your circumstances. Or that everything works out in the end, but the end is never the end, it's always just the beginning.

Love to everyone. If you actually read all this non-sense, big love to you. :) Take what you want and leave the rest.

"If you could go back in your time, what would you change about your life?"

Not a damn thing. I haven't had the best life, not by far. However, I have had the most perfect life I could have ever written for myself. I've had ups and downs, oh the downs, but all in all, everything has pieced together so wonderfully. I couldn't imagine anything any other way.

I grew up in many places, each with it's own character. Fairborn, West Carrollton, Moraine, North Dayton, I could go on. I grew up with hundreds of people. Friends, friends of friends, good samaritans, again, I could go on (and on and on), My mom is the only person that has stuck with me for my entire life. My real father was only around long enough to make a few bad memories and teach me lessons I wouldn't understand until much later in life. I am one of the luckiest girls in the world howver, to have an amazing dad, Kevin, who is my little sister's dad, but has a heart big enough to call me his own. From him I gained a huge family, and a few more brothers and sisters whom I absolutely adore. So that's pretty much it, Mom, Dad, and my siblings. I wouldn't have it any other way, they are all so amazing in every way.

I used to consider myself a victim of circumstance, of other people's bad decisions. It's taken me a long time to realize that I'm not a victim of anything, but I was given a gift. A gift to start at the bottom and learn to make my way up on my own. I've seen the best and worst of people. I've been homeless. Twice. Lived in shelters, people's spare bedrooms, on couches, alot of places. That didn't beat me down. That taught me to be thankful for everything I have. Everything I have, from material to intangible, I have earned. I wake up everyday grateful for the bed I sleep in, the food I eat, even the shoes I wear. It taught me to never take people at face value. Everyone has a story, a reason behind the person that they are. It taught me to give back. So many people have given to me in so many big and small ways, I have to make sure that I pay it forward, in any way I can. People have given me everything from a place to sleep to confidence and dreams. I can never repay all the goodness and love that has been sent my way, but I promised myself a long time ago that I would spend my life trying.

I have seizures, I have anxiety disorder, I faint, ALOT. I'm not mad about it, I don't let it affect my life. I just learned that I need to slow down, and appreciate every good day that I have, every counscious moment that I have. I had to learn really quick to be grateful for the body that I was given, and that I need to take care of it. I learned how hard it is to have people gawk and stare when I have an episode in public, and how hard it must be for other people who have it alot worse that I do. At least I can walk and breathe and talk and go in public. So every step I take outside is taken in confidence, for those who may not be able to do the same.

I have been through so many bad romantic relationships. At first I was mad, at them, at myself, but again, another lesson. No one is all bad, everyone has alot of good in them. Don't get me wrong, it took alot to see the good in people who hurt me so much, but I feel alot better now that I have. They themselves have taught me things. Like, to take care of myself first, and make sure I am a whole and happy person before sharing my heart. Never let anyone treat me less than I expect to be treated. Have confidece in myself, so that others can have confidence in me. They all definately taught me positive arguing skills, haha. The best part of all of that however, they all led me to a man who treats me way better than I ever expected to be treated, who I can talk to and trust, and whom I love deeply. I think they may have all been pointing me in his direction, so I can't say I'd change anything about my relationship past. I think he's "the one" you guys. :)

Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect, and there IS a lot I would like to change about my present self. I cuss, I smoke, I sleep too late. I procrastinate, I judge people, I don't take care of myself as much as I should. I've hurt people, I haven't been the greatest role model for my little sister. I'm not in school, I've made terrible decisions and said terrible things. I can't change what has already happened, but I can have an affect on what will happen. I can't fix mistakes I've made, but I can get off my ass and do what needs to be done. I can, I will and I am.
I don't know why I'm writing this. It could be the cold medicine, the playlist on my iPod, who knows. I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is; this is me. I hope someone, somewhere, can read this and find something in this. Maybe, learn to appreciate everything you have, or do everything you can to help people because you never know when you'll need help yourself. Or that you can overcome your circumstances. Or that everything works out in the end, but the end is never the end, it's always just the beginning.

Love to everyone. If you actually read all this non-sense, big love to you. :) Take what you want and leave the rest.

Getting college in order has been a nightmare!

The program I wanted to take (health information management) had a three year wait list, and I am not willing to wait that long to take a program for a job that I just settled for in the first place. So now I have to choose something else. I'm looking into paralegal, automotive tech. HVAC, or photography. I'm just really frustrated, I've been there everyday this week for about 4 hours a day. It's a really long drive to downtown, and all I've managed to accomplish was getting signed up for some classes, which are pointless classes since I haven't picked a major yet. Oh and, no one cared to tell me that the financial aid deadline is august 2nd, which is MONDAY!!!!! I didn't have to take my placement test by the way, since the scores I had from taking it last year were still valid. You know, I think college just isn't for some people, but, I'm going to give it a try.

Joey is still in basic, I can't wait until I get to see him in September. He sends me letters all the time, I just got two in the mail today, poor him, he must be really bored lol. It is sweet though, and very much appreciated.

After much delay, my little sister is coming home in a few hours! Yay! My grandmother decided to stay home in Tennessee, and my Aunt Carole (who is bringing Kate home) is going to spend the weekend with us! We may go to Caesars Creek if it's not too hot. Caesar's Creek really isn't a creek so much as a huge puddle lol. But it is alot of fun, there's a beach, and lots of clay deposits at the bottom of the swimming hole, so I always load up on clay and bring it home to make stuff :)

I had a job interview at the library yesterday, it was the weirdest interview I have ever done. I had to organize all these cards and books according to the Dewey Decimal System in a certain amount of time, and that wasn't easy with a fractured wrist lol. Oh yeah, I fractured my wrist. My kitten, Alice, likes to play in the water bowl in the kitchen, and I was running and slipped in her puddle :P Anyway, I won't know if I got the job until the end of August, but I think I made a good impression, so my hopes are high.

Mark, to answer your question, yes, most people here have air conditioning. Almost everyone in this town have central air, including myself, which is very nice lol. My poor Dad though, his house is really old, built in the 1800's, and has no central air, and the wiring isn't good enough to even have a window air conditioner. It sucks when it gets so hot, I have asthma so when it gets really bad I can't go outside :( Anyway, glad to hear you're going on vaca, hope you have fun! And I hope it's nice and moderate :) lol.

So, best wishes to everyone!

Holy crap guys, I am so sorry I haven't written in so long! Things have been a little crazy over here, and my internet only works when it wants to, so yeah.

Where to being?! Ooh, I'll start with the thing I'm most excited about; Joey.

First, as promised, I must explain the moderately confusing nature of my last post. I was really confused, because I was starting to have feelings for one of my really good friends, Joey. I was so upset because I didn't want to ruin our friendship by telling him how I felt.

Anyway...

I ended up telling him about my felling towards him. Unfortunately I waited until about a week before he left for basic training for the air force. It's alright though. That's where he is now, basic training in Teas, it's been two weeks, and he'll be there for eight. Then he goes to tech school in Missouri for ten weeks. Anyway, I get to go see him at his basic graduation, thanks to his dad who was kind enough to offer to let me tag along. I must admit guys, I think he is "the one". I mean, I don't plan on marriage or anything like that anytime soon, but I'm pretty sure I've found him. It's kind of funny, we went to high school together, and he asked me to go out with him several times and I always said no. lol.

What else..

Well, this isn't such happy news. My Aunt thinks my grandmother has alzheimer's disease. She repeats herself over and over, forgets everything, all kinds of stuff. I guess it happened just all of the sudden. They lived together in Florida, but after my Uncle passed away, they bought a house in Tennessee, and now my Aunt is thinking about selling it and just staying in Florida. I wish they would stay in Tennessee instead, because that way if she needed us we could be there in less than six hours. Anyway, my little sister, Katelyn, goes to stay with my Aunt and Grandmother every summer, she has since she was a baby. This year she's having a really hard time, she's too young to fully comprehend what is going on with my Grandmother, and she always calls crying. She's coming home soon, next Friday in fact. All three of them are in Florida at the moment, and they'll be driving up to Tennessee Tuesday, then leave for Ohio Thursday. I'm really excited to have her home, she left in May.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but I finally decided what I want to do in school. I want to study Medical Information Technology. It's not exactly my passion, but a job in that field would have excellent job security, and the benefits are amazing. I figured I would take photography and automotive classes also, which are my passions, and just make a hobby out of them. *shrug* So I am going to take my placement test for college this upcoming week. I've taken it before, it's just a basic math and writing test, but I'm still nervous. The reading and writing part are really easy, but I'm terrible at math and will undoubtedly be placed in a remedial class. Oh well.

OOOH! Guess what? I haven't had a seizure in nearly three weeks! I'm having some pretty gnarly anxiety, and I'm still fainting, but haven't had any convulsions or anything! Yay! I haven't really done anything different. I just started paying attention to my warning signs and then laying down or whatever. I am so happy, I hope they stay away so I can get a job and my license! Wish me luck!

Ugh, it has been so hot here. With the heat index, it's been about 110 degrees (F) all this week. It's absolutely miserable. We really haven't been going anywhere, since gas is so expensive and the air conditioning in the SUV sucks gas pretty bad. I hope it rains soon, to cool things off.

Well, that's all for now I suppose. There's more but I'm afraid my internet is going to cut out. I hope everyone has been doing well!

I can't sleep because I keep thinking about something. One thing in particular. No method my mind can fathom is giving me any solution or rationalization about this, and that doesn't happen very often. I'm often at a loss for words, but never for thought. The thought of this terrifies me, and I hate having to do this, but I am going to have to wait and see how this plays out. This particular situation is so delicate, precarious even. I hate not being able to know how things will work themselves out. I'm frustrated with myself, I've always got the answers, the solutions. I rely on myself for control, and I trust myself, but in this instance, it's not up to me. I want to jump up and stomp on something. I'm not angry, but I am so torn. I can always sit for a moment, and have everything planned out, understand the constants, allow room for variables, and find the answers.

I don't want to plan anymore. It hasn't worked well so far for me, might as well abandon that approach. So screw it. What happens happens and I will gladly roll with it.

Hmm..what is she talking about? English composition? Psychology? Not math..she's terrible at math. No, none of the above. But however it goes, I'll let you all know. For now, I'm gonna try my hand at free falling.

So WOW. Been a while hasn't it? I had to do the restart disk thingy again on my laptop and had to re-do my wireless connector thing.

Not alot has happened, well, not really.

I'm single. For good this time. I give up. I'm still trying for temporary disability and some government aid insurance, it's taking a long time, there's alot of red tape apparently. I have been accepted to a local community college, I don't know for sure what I want to do yet so I;m majoring in Liberal Arts lol. Health wise, I'm rolling even. Still having seizures, panic attacks, and I'm developing these weird OCD type phobias. They're absolutely ridiculous and make no sense, but I'm trying to work through it. And sadly, without the government aid insurance, I can't go to the doctor to get help or for the required health screenings for temporary disability. Crazy huh? And I am so sorry Mark, to hear that they haven't figured out whats going on. I know all that testing with no result is really frustrating. Keep pushing though, and ask as many questions as you can think of. I do hope you get some answers!

What else...

Our fridge went out, and we lost all the food in the fridge and freezer. We have been living out of a cooler for about 3 days which SUCKED. But we finally got a new one today, it's really tiny, but I'm very thankful. My little sister Katelyn is in Florida with my grandmother, as she is every summer. She really didn't want to go this time since she's old enough to work here, but she went. And I'm not sure if I mentioned this previously, but Daisy passed away some time ago.

I've been quite bored actually. I hate to use that word but I am! I've done all the cleaning I can think to do. We don't have cable, so that's bleh. My cell got shut off and I'm using the house phone now but none of my friends want to call the house :( I play cards almost every night with my mom, and she always beats me, so that's no fun anymore. All the public pools around here are closed due to lack of funds. What am I to do?!

Oh! And thank goodness miss Abby S. was found safe! When I heard about her on the news I was so worried!

Well, that's it for now, hope everyone is well and enjoying the almost summer weather!

Mariah, if you read this, I am so sorry I haven't written you back yet. I haven't written a letter in so long, I forgot I need stamps, and I haven't had a chance to go get any just yet.

Anyway.

It has been a boring day. I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to go through all my clothes. Then my mom popped her head in my room and asked if I wanted some coffee around 6 am because she couldn't sleep either. But she got tired around 10, and I didn't want to bother her by cleaning to keep myself up, so I just went back to bed. Yep. Now she's asleep in my bed, and I am sitting around watching The Office because I don't have cable. So that's my day.

So every spring, this bird nests in the dryer vent in the back of our apartment. It's really cute, getting to hear the baby birds chirping everytime the mother leaves. Oh! And there are alot of canadian geese around here, and we discovered two of them that were nesting in small shrub gardens in the shopping center down the road. One was in front of the Hallmark store, and it's mate would stand beside her day and night. The other was in front of Elder Beerman. We check on them every day, and sometimes bring bread. But the other day, we went to see them and they had both abandoned their eggs, and their nests had trash all around them. Someone had chased them off. I was more upset than I probably should have been. I just can't understand how someone could be so cruel.

So yeah. I'm just rambling.

Yay! Thanks to Manda's husband Scott, I have my laptop back!

SO much has happened since my last post. Well, not really that much, but it seems like alot to me.

Daisy passed away, and instead of the expected sadness I just felt relief. She was in such poor health, I'm just glad she's not hurting anymore. I'm single again, and I'd rather not elaborate. I will say however, that I'm really glad that I have time to focus on myself and my health for the time being. What else, my seizures have gotten worse because I had to stop taking my anti-seizure meds due to lack of funds. I'm trying to eat better and exercise more, and that seems to be keeping the worst at bay for now.

I just want to elaborate on the seizure condition for a moment. I have to go back a few years. When I was about 12, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. It's a relatively common thing. It causes frequent and uncontrollable "anxiety attacks" and "nervous breakdowns". The way it has been explained to me, it's just a chemical imbalance in the brain, the can be helped with cognitive behavioral therapy and medication. My anxiety attacks vary in strength, and I have them multiple times a day. They basically consist of lightheadedness and dizziness, heart palpitations, shakiness, tunnel vision, cold sweats and ect. They are also accompanied by an unreasonable fear of immediate death. The best way to explain it is this : Imagine you're being chased by a crazy axe murderer. Your mind is racing, you're scared like you've never been scared before, and shaking, your heart is pumping and you're terrified he's going to kill you. Lol, I know that's weird, but that's how it feels. Anyway! The seizures started about a year ago. I go into something like a severe anxiety attack, and I really don't remember much after that. I end up in convulsions, blacking out, and being conscious but not coherent. I go into a deep, sleep I guess you'd call it, for about 2-4 hours. That's about it.

I've had every test you could imagine. EEGs, which is where you have wires attached to your head, wrapped in gauze, and you get to carry around the monitor in a nice fanny pack. I've had MRI's and CT scans, bloodwork and X-rays, apparently all to no avail. So everyone is stumped. I just get so frustrated because my family is low income and before all of this, I was the primary breadwinner. I lost my job over this and I can't work because odds are, I'll just get fired again. Sorry, I'm just venting.

Yep.

In lighter news, I think I've figured out what I'd like to study in college. I think I want to be a high school english teacher. Did you know english teachers have to take anthropology? Weird. I'm also keeping my hopes high that I can figure out all this medical mess, and get it taken care of so I can drive again, and maybe get a part time job. I really do miss working. This summer, I may travel to Tennessee to visit my grandmother (she's nearly 80, but meaner than a snake!) and my aunt Carole, who just purchased a house with alot of land. I've heard talk about a go-cart track. ^.^ Katelyn just had a birthday, I can't believe she's 15 already! She is so beautiful, she looks nothing like me. She has hair worthy of a Pantene shampoo commercial, and she is always tan. She's way taller than me too, I'm 5'8, and she's nearly 5'11. Lol.

I'm sorry this post is so long, and if you read it thank you. I hope everyone is doing well!

Here are some sites I just discovered thanks to Manda. They are alot of fun if you're bored, sad, mad, or just want to feel better about your day. I'm addicted!



givesmehope.com

a sweet website with stories about everyday people and extraordinary kindness.


lovegivesmehope.com

a site that had hundreds of short stories about compassion and love.


mylifeisaverage.com

a really fun site about everyday living and fun things that happen to normal people.


fmylife.com

a site where people share embarrassing moments, it's really quite funny.

I've got a thing for cute bunny pictures, and thought you may like some of these! (From icanhascheezburger.com )

I just got my laptop back from the manufacturer, they repaired my broken screen. Now, it has a virus and the restart disk I sent in with the computer was wiped. So I had to take it to Manda's husband to see if he can't have a look at it. I'm writing from the library now. I hate being on the Internet at the library, I always feel like someone is reading over my shoulder 0.O

So let's see, not much going on really. Single again, but I'm happy about it. Gives me time to center and focus on myself. I like it. I do miss the company though. But that's what kitties are for :) Daisy isn't doing too well, I don't know if I mentioned it before but the thing I thought was a tumor was actually an infection. Well, I thought I got it cleared up pretty nice, used peroxide and a little antibiotic ointment. But last night I heard her breathing funny, and when I checked on her, she was bleeding, bright red blood. I know that's not a good thing, so I took her into the sink and washed it off as best I could, cleaned the wound and applied as much pressure as she'd let me. I'm afraid is a flesh eating bacteria, so I called the Humane Society that I used to volunteer for and asked how much they'd charge to put her down. I looked up home euthanasia on Google, but it involved CO2, and I'm pretty sure I'd end up euthanizing myself in the process. :/

Today I had to go have a mental evaluation for the Medical I'm applying for. I don't really understand why I needed a mental evaluation for seizures, but whatever gets me help I guess. The lady was really weird, she kept making crazy long eye contact with me, and I didn't know what to do. I had to do some word association stuff. Like, "What do an apple and banana have in common?" I said fruit. "What do an anchor and a fence have in common?" I said....uhhhhhh...? I had to say the months in backwards order, I missed October and march..lol. Anyway, I hope I never have to do that again.

I rode my bike to the library (bad idea) I forgot how many steep hills are on this street. AND I almost got hit at an intersection. I waited for the cars to turn, I had the signal to walk, and the guy in the wrong turn lane all of the sudden decides he wants to turn over the crosswalk as I am crossing. He's on his cell phone, almost hits me, and then yells profanities out his window. Come on, will it kill you to wait fifteen seconds for me to get out of the way? Oh well. I just smiled and waved.

Mom and I took a walk by the river today, saw some geese and ducks. They had really pretty tulips and I think they're called hyacynths? They're purple and look like little beads strung along the stem. But it was nice. Oh by the way, I live by the Great Miami River. Grown up around it. It's icky in some spots with all the runoff from factories and stuff. Other spots though, are really clean and fun to play and fish in.

OH OH OH! I got to ride on a motorcycle for the first time! It was soooooo much fun. We went to my Mom's friends house and her boyfriend asked if I wanted to go. He's a really big guy, and it was super hard to try to hold onto him lol. He went really fast, and somewhere along the way my phone fell out of my pocket. I had to go back and look for it, and when we found it, it was in pieces. I got it all back together, and it works fine. It's got a few chips in it but I think that gives my cheap little phone character.

So yeah, that's about all I can think of. I'll try to post as often as I can until I get my laptop back (not sure when that will be, may have to send it back to Toshiba). But as always, thanks for reading! Hoping you're days are going smooth :)

Yesterday night I came home from hiking and went to give Daisy (my rat) a treat when I noticed she had a large lump on the left side her of face, right under her ear. It was really big. I've had rodents in the past that have developed tumors so I assumed that's what it was. I cried, because I knew that this might be the end of her long life. I tried to make her as comfortable as possible and went to sleep, hoping that she would go peacefully in her sleep. She was still alive this morning, and I could tell she was uncomfortable, she kept falling over and wouldn't wake up when I petted her. So I put her in her small cage, gave her a bunch of bedding fluff, and made her a bowl of veggies. I noticed she was scratching the lesion with her foot, and then licking it. So I looked closer and realized that there was some really gross stuff coming out of it. I wont go into great detail because it's really nasty and I'm eating ramen noodles right now. hehe. It looks like she cut herself somehow and it got infected. So anyway, I did my best to remove the gross stuff, cleaned out her ear and eyes. I'm going tomorrow to get some peroxide and antibiotic ointment. I hope she'll be ok for the night.

In other news, I haven't had a seizure for about 3 days now. I'm still having the shaking and near fainting episodes but I'll settle for that. Oh oh oh! I made my first meal all by myself today! This is kind of a big deal for me because my cooking expertise ends at the microwave. I made Onion baked chicken, and lemon zest asparagus. I put a little too much lemon and olive oil and the asparagus but other than that, it was reeeeaaaallllyyy good. I'm pretty smug about it :)

Tomorrow I'm going to go see Kick-Ass (hopefully). It looks pretty good. I'll post a whole movie review about it tomorrow night. I'm sure you're all so excited. :P Manda broke her trim and tire today when she jumped a curb on the way home from work. I love that girl so much, but I've given up, and decided if we crash, the doctors will find a way to save me. Haha! (I love you Manda.) Cory bought me the first edition of this comic book, its called The Guild. It originally started as an independent YouTube channel, and evolved into this big thing. If you're into gaming, you should really check it out.

Well, that's it for now. Gonna finish my ramen and surf the web a little before bed. Hope everyone had a really great day!

Okay, so my life derailed for a moment but as of now it's back on track. I'm sorry I keep missing posting everyday, mostly sorry to myself because that is something I really wanted to do. But my laptop has a virus, and even when I try to wipe the hard drive with the restart disk, it creates an administrator account with a password that I don't know. I think I'm going to have to send it back to the manufacturer and see if they'll fix it. Hopefully so since my laptop is still under warranty. (Thanks Dad!)










Anywho, today was a good day. I'm trying to eat healthier and exercise more, in the hopes that maybe it will improve my health and I won't have to rely on medication. I have to admit that I am getting sick of salads. If anyone knows of any low calorie/sodium recipes, let me know, I would really appreciate it :)










I went for a hike today with Cory and Precious. It was alot of fun. We got Precious to play in the river, she only lasted a little while though. The water was freezing and the current was really fast, it nearly knocked me off me feet. Then, I came back to Cory's and gave Precious a bath, she was filthy.










So yesterday I went to the Job Center (government benefits office) to see what was going on with my application for Medicaid. I feel bad having to rely on government assisted health care, but you would not believe how expensive some of the stuff is that I have to do. Anyway, they said it would take six months to a year for me to even be considered because of my application for social security benefits. How messed up is that? I mean by that time I was hoping to have found a solution and be in school and working.










So yeah. Here are some pictures from today I thought I would share. Hope everyone had a great day!

Cory and I being goofy

My puppy in a bunch of clover and yellow flowers

Sorry I haven't posted in so long, I've has a rough few days. I don't really feel like talking about it, so I figured I just say a few words.

My mom is an alcoholic and we had a fight.

I'm angry.

I feel bad because Mom and Kate have to take care of me.

The reason my ex and I broke up was because I didn't tell him everything about my medical issues because I didn't want to put another person through all this.

I'm sick of being sick and I'm trying really hard to be better.

I went to Cory's (my ex) house the day Mom and I had that bad fight and he took me and my puppy to charleston falls and I had a wonderful day, and I love him.

I am completely mixed up, and having a minor breakdown, and I'm sorry, I don't want everyone to think I am complaining, so please, bear with me.

Today was a great day, and it's not over yet! I'm at Manda's house, chillin. I felt pretty good today, and went to the mall with my little sister Kate. We walked around and got smoothies, and I helped her pick out some new jewelry, splurged and got myself a new nose ring. Then, headed to the grocery to buy a bunch of junk food for Manda and I. Pepsi, doughnuts and Doritos, hello sugar high!

I took my rat, Daisy out for a run in the grass since it was kinda nice out. She's almost four years old, and I realized today that I will be absolutely heartbroken when she passes. I know it's silly, she's just a little rat, but she's my baby. While outside, I went around picking some flower buds off the trees and when I got to these white ones, I took a sniff and almost got sick. They smelled the formaldehyde. How do I know what that smells like? My senior year of high school I took an anatomy course, and had to dissect a cat. It was a 10 day project, and by the end of that ten days, that thing smelled awful. (My project was pregnant by the way. Sad I know.) But yeah, I was so disturbed that something so pretty could smell so terrible.

Oh my gosh, I almost forgot. As I was getting groceries out of the trunk earlier, I pulled down on the lid and hit my Mom so hard on the head, she nearly passed out. I felt soo bad, I was in tears. She's OK now though, apart from the large lump on her head. It's a little funny in retrospect.

Ok, that's all for today, by the way, thanks everyone for the helpful comments, I really appreciate them :)

Today was a really bad anxiety day. I couldn't get out of bed until 5, and even then I was still dizzy and having heart palpitations. Sometimes I get to feeling really sorry for myself, thinking about all the bad things,and crying over little things that I can't have, like a normal day. But then I have to remind myself of all the things I do have. I have legs that walk, lungs that breathe, lips that smile, a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in at night. It helped alot to have such a beautiful day outside! It was so warm, I laid with my kitten in the sun on the floor of the kitchen for a few hours..haha.

Tomorrow I'm going to attempt to visit a friend, I really hope I feel better! I'm going to see my friend Manda. She's alot of fun, she is my complete opposite. She loves to talk and is really outgoing. She's married to Scott, a mutual friend of ours hehe, they make each other really happy. She just got out of the hospital a few days ago, she has pancreatitis,and it causes her sugar to fluxuate really low really fast.

Anyway...

So I just ended a one year relationship with the guy I thought I was going to marry. Turns out he's just a controlling and manipulative jerk. He was always accusing me of cheating, which believe me I would never do. I know how it feels to have been cheated on, and I'd never do that to another human being. But yeah, if i didn't call him every two hours he would flip out, saying I was with someone else. And when my seizures starting getting really bad and I couldn't visit as much, he would tear my head off. He was calling and texting and e-mailing me constantly, one minute saying how sorry he was and how much he missed me, and the next leaving nasty voice mails about what a terrible person I was. But I am very happy to report that the harassment has stopped! Yay!

I did attempt t get back out there and go on a date with a guy I knew from work. He took me out to Starbucks, we both ordered, and when it came time to pay, he had to go to the bathroom and stuck me with the bill. Then we went to the mall ( I hate going to the mall and seeing things I cant buy!) we were there for maybe two minutes and then he wanted to leave. He kept bumming cigarettes off of me, and then had the nerve to ask me if he could borrow $50. I'd had it. I had to stop him and explain to him that I, having lost my job, have no income. I decided to give him another chance, and he said he take me out this evening. He offered to take me to a bar, but I cant drink because of the medication I'm on. He then asked if I would like to come watch him get drunk anyway. I haven't heard from him since last night, and I don't mind a bit!

So yep. That's my exciting day. Hope yours was much better!

Wow, my shiny new blog :)

I dont really know where to start, so I guss I'll start with why I decided to start blogging.

I like to read about other people and what they have to say. I enjoy reading people's blogs, from the ones that read like soap operas - to the ones that just talk about everyday life. It's nice to know that people everywhere go through the same struggles and triumphs as I do. So I figured, "Hey, I bet someone would like to read about me!" Hopeless I know. So, yep.

Umm..what else what else..

Well I guessI'll tell you a little about myself. I'm Amber. I'm 21, and I'm hoping to go to college in the fall for photography, but I'm positive I'll change my mind by then. I live at home with my mother Tina, and younger sister Kate. I have an as-of-yet undiagnosed seizure disorder, so I have to live at home, can't drive or go out alone and blah blah blah. I'm an Aquarius, and I'm very proud of that. I'm an animal lover, and a big fan of the arts. And I'm sure you're sick of reading all of this. haha!

So yeah, if youre reading this, thanks! I'm going to try to post something every day if I can.