Cold Medicine Ramblings.


"If you could go back in your time, what would you change about your life?"

Not a damn thing. I haven't had the best life, not by far. However, I have had the most perfect life I could have ever written for myself. I've had ups and downs, oh the downs, but all in all, everything has pieced together so wonderfully. I couldn't imagine anything any other way.

I grew up in many places, each with it's own character. Fairborn, West Carrollton, Moraine, North Dayton, I could go on. I grew up with hundreds of people. Friends, friends of friends, good samaritans, again, I could go on (and on and on), My mom is the only person that has stuck with me for my entire life. My real father was only around long enough to make a few bad memories and teach me lessons I wouldn't understand until much later in life. I am one of the luckiest girls in the world howver, to have an amazing dad, Kevin, who is my little sister's dad, but has a heart big enough to call me his own. From him I gained a huge family, and a few more brothers and sisters whom I absolutely adore. So that's pretty much it, Mom, Dad, and my siblings. I wouldn't have it any other way, they are all so amazing in every way.

I used to consider myself a victim of circumstance, of other people's bad decisions. It's taken me a long time to realize that I'm not a victim of anything, but I was given a gift. A gift to start at the bottom and learn to make my way up on my own. I've seen the best and worst of people. I've been homeless. Twice. Lived in shelters, people's spare bedrooms, on couches, alot of places. That didn't beat me down. That taught me to be thankful for everything I have. Everything I have, from material to intangible, I have earned. I wake up everyday grateful for the bed I sleep in, the food I eat, even the shoes I wear. It taught me to never take people at face value. Everyone has a story, a reason behind the person that they are. It taught me to give back. So many people have given to me in so many big and small ways, I have to make sure that I pay it forward, in any way I can. People have given me everything from a place to sleep to confidence and dreams. I can never repay all the goodness and love that has been sent my way, but I promised myself a long time ago that I would spend my life trying.

I have seizures, I have anxiety disorder, I faint, ALOT. I'm not mad about it, I don't let it affect my life. I just learned that I need to slow down, and appreciate every good day that I have, every counscious moment that I have. I had to learn really quick to be grateful for the body that I was given, and that I need to take care of it. I learned how hard it is to have people gawk and stare when I have an episode in public, and how hard it must be for other people who have it alot worse that I do. At least I can walk and breathe and talk and go in public. So every step I take outside is taken in confidence, for those who may not be able to do the same.

I have been through so many bad romantic relationships. At first I was mad, at them, at myself, but again, another lesson. No one is all bad, everyone has alot of good in them. Don't get me wrong, it took alot to see the good in people who hurt me so much, but I feel alot better now that I have. They themselves have taught me things. Like, to take care of myself first, and make sure I am a whole and happy person before sharing my heart. Never let anyone treat me less than I expect to be treated. Have confidece in myself, so that others can have confidence in me. They all definately taught me positive arguing skills, haha. The best part of all of that however, they all led me to a man who treats me way better than I ever expected to be treated, who I can talk to and trust, and whom I love deeply. I think they may have all been pointing me in his direction, so I can't say I'd change anything about my relationship past. I think he's "the one" you guys. :)

Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect, and there IS a lot I would like to change about my present self. I cuss, I smoke, I sleep too late. I procrastinate, I judge people, I don't take care of myself as much as I should. I've hurt people, I haven't been the greatest role model for my little sister. I'm not in school, I've made terrible decisions and said terrible things. I can't change what has already happened, but I can have an affect on what will happen. I can't fix mistakes I've made, but I can get off my ass and do what needs to be done. I can, I will and I am.
I don't know why I'm writing this. It could be the cold medicine, the playlist on my iPod, who knows. I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is; this is me. I hope someone, somewhere, can read this and find something in this. Maybe, learn to appreciate everything you have, or do everything you can to help people because you never know when you'll need help yourself. Or that you can overcome your circumstances. Or that everything works out in the end, but the end is never the end, it's always just the beginning.

Love to everyone. If you actually read all this non-sense, big love to you. :) Take what you want and leave the rest.

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