A Not So Average Life

Getting college in order has been a nightmare!

The program I wanted to take (health information management) had a three year wait list, and I am not willing to wait that long to take a program for a job that I just settled for in the first place. So now I have to choose something else. I'm looking into paralegal, automotive tech. HVAC, or photography. I'm just really frustrated, I've been there everyday this week for about 4 hours a day. It's a really long drive to downtown, and all I've managed to accomplish was getting signed up for some classes, which are pointless classes since I haven't picked a major yet. Oh and, no one cared to tell me that the financial aid deadline is august 2nd, which is MONDAY!!!!! I didn't have to take my placement test by the way, since the scores I had from taking it last year were still valid. You know, I think college just isn't for some people, but, I'm going to give it a try.

Joey is still in basic, I can't wait until I get to see him in September. He sends me letters all the time, I just got two in the mail today, poor him, he must be really bored lol. It is sweet though, and very much appreciated.

After much delay, my little sister is coming home in a few hours! Yay! My grandmother decided to stay home in Tennessee, and my Aunt Carole (who is bringing Kate home) is going to spend the weekend with us! We may go to Caesars Creek if it's not too hot. Caesar's Creek really isn't a creek so much as a huge puddle lol. But it is alot of fun, there's a beach, and lots of clay deposits at the bottom of the swimming hole, so I always load up on clay and bring it home to make stuff :)

I had a job interview at the library yesterday, it was the weirdest interview I have ever done. I had to organize all these cards and books according to the Dewey Decimal System in a certain amount of time, and that wasn't easy with a fractured wrist lol. Oh yeah, I fractured my wrist. My kitten, Alice, likes to play in the water bowl in the kitchen, and I was running and slipped in her puddle :P Anyway, I won't know if I got the job until the end of August, but I think I made a good impression, so my hopes are high.

Mark, to answer your question, yes, most people here have air conditioning. Almost everyone in this town have central air, including myself, which is very nice lol. My poor Dad though, his house is really old, built in the 1800's, and has no central air, and the wiring isn't good enough to even have a window air conditioner. It sucks when it gets so hot, I have asthma so when it gets really bad I can't go outside :( Anyway, glad to hear you're going on vaca, hope you have fun! And I hope it's nice and moderate :) lol.

So, best wishes to everyone!

Holy crap guys, I am so sorry I haven't written in so long! Things have been a little crazy over here, and my internet only works when it wants to, so yeah.

Where to being?! Ooh, I'll start with the thing I'm most excited about; Joey.

First, as promised, I must explain the moderately confusing nature of my last post. I was really confused, because I was starting to have feelings for one of my really good friends, Joey. I was so upset because I didn't want to ruin our friendship by telling him how I felt.

Anyway...

I ended up telling him about my felling towards him. Unfortunately I waited until about a week before he left for basic training for the air force. It's alright though. That's where he is now, basic training in Teas, it's been two weeks, and he'll be there for eight. Then he goes to tech school in Missouri for ten weeks. Anyway, I get to go see him at his basic graduation, thanks to his dad who was kind enough to offer to let me tag along. I must admit guys, I think he is "the one". I mean, I don't plan on marriage or anything like that anytime soon, but I'm pretty sure I've found him. It's kind of funny, we went to high school together, and he asked me to go out with him several times and I always said no. lol.

What else..

Well, this isn't such happy news. My Aunt thinks my grandmother has alzheimer's disease. She repeats herself over and over, forgets everything, all kinds of stuff. I guess it happened just all of the sudden. They lived together in Florida, but after my Uncle passed away, they bought a house in Tennessee, and now my Aunt is thinking about selling it and just staying in Florida. I wish they would stay in Tennessee instead, because that way if she needed us we could be there in less than six hours. Anyway, my little sister, Katelyn, goes to stay with my Aunt and Grandmother every summer, she has since she was a baby. This year she's having a really hard time, she's too young to fully comprehend what is going on with my Grandmother, and she always calls crying. She's coming home soon, next Friday in fact. All three of them are in Florida at the moment, and they'll be driving up to Tennessee Tuesday, then leave for Ohio Thursday. I'm really excited to have her home, she left in May.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but I finally decided what I want to do in school. I want to study Medical Information Technology. It's not exactly my passion, but a job in that field would have excellent job security, and the benefits are amazing. I figured I would take photography and automotive classes also, which are my passions, and just make a hobby out of them. *shrug* So I am going to take my placement test for college this upcoming week. I've taken it before, it's just a basic math and writing test, but I'm still nervous. The reading and writing part are really easy, but I'm terrible at math and will undoubtedly be placed in a remedial class. Oh well.

OOOH! Guess what? I haven't had a seizure in nearly three weeks! I'm having some pretty gnarly anxiety, and I'm still fainting, but haven't had any convulsions or anything! Yay! I haven't really done anything different. I just started paying attention to my warning signs and then laying down or whatever. I am so happy, I hope they stay away so I can get a job and my license! Wish me luck!

Ugh, it has been so hot here. With the heat index, it's been about 110 degrees (F) all this week. It's absolutely miserable. We really haven't been going anywhere, since gas is so expensive and the air conditioning in the SUV sucks gas pretty bad. I hope it rains soon, to cool things off.

Well, that's all for now I suppose. There's more but I'm afraid my internet is going to cut out. I hope everyone has been doing well!

I can't sleep because I keep thinking about something. One thing in particular. No method my mind can fathom is giving me any solution or rationalization about this, and that doesn't happen very often. I'm often at a loss for words, but never for thought. The thought of this terrifies me, and I hate having to do this, but I am going to have to wait and see how this plays out. This particular situation is so delicate, precarious even. I hate not being able to know how things will work themselves out. I'm frustrated with myself, I've always got the answers, the solutions. I rely on myself for control, and I trust myself, but in this instance, it's not up to me. I want to jump up and stomp on something. I'm not angry, but I am so torn. I can always sit for a moment, and have everything planned out, understand the constants, allow room for variables, and find the answers.

I don't want to plan anymore. It hasn't worked well so far for me, might as well abandon that approach. So screw it. What happens happens and I will gladly roll with it.

Hmm..what is she talking about? English composition? Psychology? Not math..she's terrible at math. No, none of the above. But however it goes, I'll let you all know. For now, I'm gonna try my hand at free falling.

So WOW. Been a while hasn't it? I had to do the restart disk thingy again on my laptop and had to re-do my wireless connector thing.

Not alot has happened, well, not really.

I'm single. For good this time. I give up. I'm still trying for temporary disability and some government aid insurance, it's taking a long time, there's alot of red tape apparently. I have been accepted to a local community college, I don't know for sure what I want to do yet so I;m majoring in Liberal Arts lol. Health wise, I'm rolling even. Still having seizures, panic attacks, and I'm developing these weird OCD type phobias. They're absolutely ridiculous and make no sense, but I'm trying to work through it. And sadly, without the government aid insurance, I can't go to the doctor to get help or for the required health screenings for temporary disability. Crazy huh? And I am so sorry Mark, to hear that they haven't figured out whats going on. I know all that testing with no result is really frustrating. Keep pushing though, and ask as many questions as you can think of. I do hope you get some answers!

What else...

Our fridge went out, and we lost all the food in the fridge and freezer. We have been living out of a cooler for about 3 days which SUCKED. But we finally got a new one today, it's really tiny, but I'm very thankful. My little sister Katelyn is in Florida with my grandmother, as she is every summer. She really didn't want to go this time since she's old enough to work here, but she went. And I'm not sure if I mentioned this previously, but Daisy passed away some time ago.

I've been quite bored actually. I hate to use that word but I am! I've done all the cleaning I can think to do. We don't have cable, so that's bleh. My cell got shut off and I'm using the house phone now but none of my friends want to call the house :( I play cards almost every night with my mom, and she always beats me, so that's no fun anymore. All the public pools around here are closed due to lack of funds. What am I to do?!

Oh! And thank goodness miss Abby S. was found safe! When I heard about her on the news I was so worried!

Well, that's it for now, hope everyone is well and enjoying the almost summer weather!

Mariah, if you read this, I am so sorry I haven't written you back yet. I haven't written a letter in so long, I forgot I need stamps, and I haven't had a chance to go get any just yet.

Anyway.

It has been a boring day. I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to go through all my clothes. Then my mom popped her head in my room and asked if I wanted some coffee around 6 am because she couldn't sleep either. But she got tired around 10, and I didn't want to bother her by cleaning to keep myself up, so I just went back to bed. Yep. Now she's asleep in my bed, and I am sitting around watching The Office because I don't have cable. So that's my day.

So every spring, this bird nests in the dryer vent in the back of our apartment. It's really cute, getting to hear the baby birds chirping everytime the mother leaves. Oh! And there are alot of canadian geese around here, and we discovered two of them that were nesting in small shrub gardens in the shopping center down the road. One was in front of the Hallmark store, and it's mate would stand beside her day and night. The other was in front of Elder Beerman. We check on them every day, and sometimes bring bread. But the other day, we went to see them and they had both abandoned their eggs, and their nests had trash all around them. Someone had chased them off. I was more upset than I probably should have been. I just can't understand how someone could be so cruel.

So yeah. I'm just rambling.

Yay! Thanks to Manda's husband Scott, I have my laptop back!

SO much has happened since my last post. Well, not really that much, but it seems like alot to me.

Daisy passed away, and instead of the expected sadness I just felt relief. She was in such poor health, I'm just glad she's not hurting anymore. I'm single again, and I'd rather not elaborate. I will say however, that I'm really glad that I have time to focus on myself and my health for the time being. What else, my seizures have gotten worse because I had to stop taking my anti-seizure meds due to lack of funds. I'm trying to eat better and exercise more, and that seems to be keeping the worst at bay for now.

I just want to elaborate on the seizure condition for a moment. I have to go back a few years. When I was about 12, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. It's a relatively common thing. It causes frequent and uncontrollable "anxiety attacks" and "nervous breakdowns". The way it has been explained to me, it's just a chemical imbalance in the brain, the can be helped with cognitive behavioral therapy and medication. My anxiety attacks vary in strength, and I have them multiple times a day. They basically consist of lightheadedness and dizziness, heart palpitations, shakiness, tunnel vision, cold sweats and ect. They are also accompanied by an unreasonable fear of immediate death. The best way to explain it is this : Imagine you're being chased by a crazy axe murderer. Your mind is racing, you're scared like you've never been scared before, and shaking, your heart is pumping and you're terrified he's going to kill you. Lol, I know that's weird, but that's how it feels. Anyway! The seizures started about a year ago. I go into something like a severe anxiety attack, and I really don't remember much after that. I end up in convulsions, blacking out, and being conscious but not coherent. I go into a deep, sleep I guess you'd call it, for about 2-4 hours. That's about it.

I've had every test you could imagine. EEGs, which is where you have wires attached to your head, wrapped in gauze, and you get to carry around the monitor in a nice fanny pack. I've had MRI's and CT scans, bloodwork and X-rays, apparently all to no avail. So everyone is stumped. I just get so frustrated because my family is low income and before all of this, I was the primary breadwinner. I lost my job over this and I can't work because odds are, I'll just get fired again. Sorry, I'm just venting.

Yep.

In lighter news, I think I've figured out what I'd like to study in college. I think I want to be a high school english teacher. Did you know english teachers have to take anthropology? Weird. I'm also keeping my hopes high that I can figure out all this medical mess, and get it taken care of so I can drive again, and maybe get a part time job. I really do miss working. This summer, I may travel to Tennessee to visit my grandmother (she's nearly 80, but meaner than a snake!) and my aunt Carole, who just purchased a house with alot of land. I've heard talk about a go-cart track. ^.^ Katelyn just had a birthday, I can't believe she's 15 already! She is so beautiful, she looks nothing like me. She has hair worthy of a Pantene shampoo commercial, and she is always tan. She's way taller than me too, I'm 5'8, and she's nearly 5'11. Lol.

I'm sorry this post is so long, and if you read it thank you. I hope everyone is doing well!

Here are some sites I just discovered thanks to Manda. They are alot of fun if you're bored, sad, mad, or just want to feel better about your day. I'm addicted!



givesmehope.com

a sweet website with stories about everyday people and extraordinary kindness.


lovegivesmehope.com

a site that had hundreds of short stories about compassion and love.


mylifeisaverage.com

a really fun site about everyday living and fun things that happen to normal people.


fmylife.com

a site where people share embarrassing moments, it's really quite funny.