A Not So Average Life

I'll make this quick since the last post was so extensive. :/

Reapplying for temporary disability, been fainting and having mild seizures, can't work, need money for meds and whatnot.

Officially enrolled in school. Still no mjaor, but leaning towards a certificate in photography, or possibly transferring to a career college that has medical information tech on a shorter waitlist. Still trying to figure out the financial aid stuff!

Kate is home, love her!

Joey is still in basic training. Get to go see him in just a few short weeks, so excited! Actually got to talk to him on the phone last wednesday for 15 mins :)

Just won a game on rummy 500 against my mom FINALLY! 250-565 :)

My cat has taken to sleeping with me, and taking over my pillows.....

Anyway, a lot coming up! Pumped and ready!

How is everyone else? Tell me what's been going on with you :)

"If you could go back in your time, what would you change about your life?"

Not a damn thing. I haven't had the best life, not by far. However, I have had the most perfect life I could have ever written for myself. I've had ups and downs, oh the downs, but all in all, everything has pieced together so wonderfully. I couldn't imagine anything any other way.

I grew up in many places, each with it's own character. Fairborn, West Carrollton, Moraine, North Dayton, I could go on. I grew up with hundreds of people. Friends, friends of friends, good samaritans, again, I could go on (and on and on), My mom is the only person that has stuck with me for my entire life. My real father was only around long enough to make a few bad memories and teach me lessons I wouldn't understand until much later in life. I am one of the luckiest girls in the world howver, to have an amazing dad, Kevin, who is my little sister's dad, but has a heart big enough to call me his own. From him I gained a huge family, and a few more brothers and sisters whom I absolutely adore. So that's pretty much it, Mom, Dad, and my siblings. I wouldn't have it any other way, they are all so amazing in every way.

I used to consider myself a victim of circumstance, of other people's bad decisions. It's taken me a long time to realize that I'm not a victim of anything, but I was given a gift. A gift to start at the bottom and learn to make my way up on my own. I've seen the best and worst of people. I've been homeless. Twice. Lived in shelters, people's spare bedrooms, on couches, alot of places. That didn't beat me down. That taught me to be thankful for everything I have. Everything I have, from material to intangible, I have earned. I wake up everyday grateful for the bed I sleep in, the food I eat, even the shoes I wear. It taught me to never take people at face value. Everyone has a story, a reason behind the person that they are. It taught me to give back. So many people have given to me in so many big and small ways, I have to make sure that I pay it forward, in any way I can. People have given me everything from a place to sleep to confidence and dreams. I can never repay all the goodness and love that has been sent my way, but I promised myself a long time ago that I would spend my life trying.

I have seizures, I have anxiety disorder, I faint, ALOT. I'm not mad about it, I don't let it affect my life. I just learned that I need to slow down, and appreciate every good day that I have, every counscious moment that I have. I had to learn really quick to be grateful for the body that I was given, and that I need to take care of it. I learned how hard it is to have people gawk and stare when I have an episode in public, and how hard it must be for other people who have it alot worse that I do. At least I can walk and breathe and talk and go in public. So every step I take outside is taken in confidence, for those who may not be able to do the same.

I have been through so many bad romantic relationships. At first I was mad, at them, at myself, but again, another lesson. No one is all bad, everyone has alot of good in them. Don't get me wrong, it took alot to see the good in people who hurt me so much, but I feel alot better now that I have. They themselves have taught me things. Like, to take care of myself first, and make sure I am a whole and happy person before sharing my heart. Never let anyone treat me less than I expect to be treated. Have confidece in myself, so that others can have confidence in me. They all definately taught me positive arguing skills, haha. The best part of all of that however, they all led me to a man who treats me way better than I ever expected to be treated, who I can talk to and trust, and whom I love deeply. I think they may have all been pointing me in his direction, so I can't say I'd change anything about my relationship past. I think he's "the one" you guys. :)

Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect, and there IS a lot I would like to change about my present self. I cuss, I smoke, I sleep too late. I procrastinate, I judge people, I don't take care of myself as much as I should. I've hurt people, I haven't been the greatest role model for my little sister. I'm not in school, I've made terrible decisions and said terrible things. I can't change what has already happened, but I can have an affect on what will happen. I can't fix mistakes I've made, but I can get off my ass and do what needs to be done. I can, I will and I am.
I don't know why I'm writing this. It could be the cold medicine, the playlist on my iPod, who knows. I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is; this is me. I hope someone, somewhere, can read this and find something in this. Maybe, learn to appreciate everything you have, or do everything you can to help people because you never know when you'll need help yourself. Or that you can overcome your circumstances. Or that everything works out in the end, but the end is never the end, it's always just the beginning.

Love to everyone. If you actually read all this non-sense, big love to you. :) Take what you want and leave the rest.

"If you could go back in your time, what would you change about your life?"

Not a damn thing. I haven't had the best life, not by far. However, I have had the most perfect life I could have ever written for myself. I've had ups and downs, oh the downs, but all in all, everything has pieced together so wonderfully. I couldn't imagine anything any other way.

I grew up in many places, each with it's own character. Fairborn, West Carrollton, Moraine, North Dayton, I could go on. I grew up with hundreds of people. Friends, friends of friends, good samaritans, again, I could go on (and on and on), My mom is the only person that has stuck with me for my entire life. My real father was only around long enough to make a few bad memories and teach me lessons I wouldn't understand until much later in life. I am one of the luckiest girls in the world howver, to have an amazing dad, Kevin, who is my little sister's dad, but has a heart big enough to call me his own. From him I gained a huge family, and a few more brothers and sisters whom I absolutely adore. So that's pretty much it, Mom, Dad, and my siblings. I wouldn't have it any other way, they are all so amazing in every way.

I used to consider myself a victim of circumstance, of other people's bad decisions. It's taken me a long time to realize that I'm not a victim of anything, but I was given a gift. A gift to start at the bottom and learn to make my way up on my own. I've seen the best and worst of people. I've been homeless. Twice. Lived in shelters, people's spare bedrooms, on couches, alot of places. That didn't beat me down. That taught me to be thankful for everything I have. Everything I have, from material to intangible, I have earned. I wake up everyday grateful for the bed I sleep in, the food I eat, even the shoes I wear. It taught me to never take people at face value. Everyone has a story, a reason behind the person that they are. It taught me to give back. So many people have given to me in so many big and small ways, I have to make sure that I pay it forward, in any way I can. People have given me everything from a place to sleep to confidence and dreams. I can never repay all the goodness and love that has been sent my way, but I promised myself a long time ago that I would spend my life trying.

I have seizures, I have anxiety disorder, I faint, ALOT. I'm not mad about it, I don't let it affect my life. I just learned that I need to slow down, and appreciate every good day that I have, every counscious moment that I have. I had to learn really quick to be grateful for the body that I was given, and that I need to take care of it. I learned how hard it is to have people gawk and stare when I have an episode in public, and how hard it must be for other people who have it alot worse that I do. At least I can walk and breathe and talk and go in public. So every step I take outside is taken in confidence, for those who may not be able to do the same.

I have been through so many bad romantic relationships. At first I was mad, at them, at myself, but again, another lesson. No one is all bad, everyone has alot of good in them. Don't get me wrong, it took alot to see the good in people who hurt me so much, but I feel alot better now that I have. They themselves have taught me things. Like, to take care of myself first, and make sure I am a whole and happy person before sharing my heart. Never let anyone treat me less than I expect to be treated. Have confidece in myself, so that others can have confidence in me. They all definately taught me positive arguing skills, haha. The best part of all of that however, they all led me to a man who treats me way better than I ever expected to be treated, who I can talk to and trust, and whom I love deeply. I think they may have all been pointing me in his direction, so I can't say I'd change anything about my relationship past. I think he's "the one" you guys. :)

Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect, and there IS a lot I would like to change about my present self. I cuss, I smoke, I sleep too late. I procrastinate, I judge people, I don't take care of myself as much as I should. I've hurt people, I haven't been the greatest role model for my little sister. I'm not in school, I've made terrible decisions and said terrible things. I can't change what has already happened, but I can have an affect on what will happen. I can't fix mistakes I've made, but I can get off my ass and do what needs to be done. I can, I will and I am.
I don't know why I'm writing this. It could be the cold medicine, the playlist on my iPod, who knows. I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is; this is me. I hope someone, somewhere, can read this and find something in this. Maybe, learn to appreciate everything you have, or do everything you can to help people because you never know when you'll need help yourself. Or that you can overcome your circumstances. Or that everything works out in the end, but the end is never the end, it's always just the beginning.

Love to everyone. If you actually read all this non-sense, big love to you. :) Take what you want and leave the rest.

Getting college in order has been a nightmare!

The program I wanted to take (health information management) had a three year wait list, and I am not willing to wait that long to take a program for a job that I just settled for in the first place. So now I have to choose something else. I'm looking into paralegal, automotive tech. HVAC, or photography. I'm just really frustrated, I've been there everyday this week for about 4 hours a day. It's a really long drive to downtown, and all I've managed to accomplish was getting signed up for some classes, which are pointless classes since I haven't picked a major yet. Oh and, no one cared to tell me that the financial aid deadline is august 2nd, which is MONDAY!!!!! I didn't have to take my placement test by the way, since the scores I had from taking it last year were still valid. You know, I think college just isn't for some people, but, I'm going to give it a try.

Joey is still in basic, I can't wait until I get to see him in September. He sends me letters all the time, I just got two in the mail today, poor him, he must be really bored lol. It is sweet though, and very much appreciated.

After much delay, my little sister is coming home in a few hours! Yay! My grandmother decided to stay home in Tennessee, and my Aunt Carole (who is bringing Kate home) is going to spend the weekend with us! We may go to Caesars Creek if it's not too hot. Caesar's Creek really isn't a creek so much as a huge puddle lol. But it is alot of fun, there's a beach, and lots of clay deposits at the bottom of the swimming hole, so I always load up on clay and bring it home to make stuff :)

I had a job interview at the library yesterday, it was the weirdest interview I have ever done. I had to organize all these cards and books according to the Dewey Decimal System in a certain amount of time, and that wasn't easy with a fractured wrist lol. Oh yeah, I fractured my wrist. My kitten, Alice, likes to play in the water bowl in the kitchen, and I was running and slipped in her puddle :P Anyway, I won't know if I got the job until the end of August, but I think I made a good impression, so my hopes are high.

Mark, to answer your question, yes, most people here have air conditioning. Almost everyone in this town have central air, including myself, which is very nice lol. My poor Dad though, his house is really old, built in the 1800's, and has no central air, and the wiring isn't good enough to even have a window air conditioner. It sucks when it gets so hot, I have asthma so when it gets really bad I can't go outside :( Anyway, glad to hear you're going on vaca, hope you have fun! And I hope it's nice and moderate :) lol.

So, best wishes to everyone!

Holy crap guys, I am so sorry I haven't written in so long! Things have been a little crazy over here, and my internet only works when it wants to, so yeah.

Where to being?! Ooh, I'll start with the thing I'm most excited about; Joey.

First, as promised, I must explain the moderately confusing nature of my last post. I was really confused, because I was starting to have feelings for one of my really good friends, Joey. I was so upset because I didn't want to ruin our friendship by telling him how I felt.

Anyway...

I ended up telling him about my felling towards him. Unfortunately I waited until about a week before he left for basic training for the air force. It's alright though. That's where he is now, basic training in Teas, it's been two weeks, and he'll be there for eight. Then he goes to tech school in Missouri for ten weeks. Anyway, I get to go see him at his basic graduation, thanks to his dad who was kind enough to offer to let me tag along. I must admit guys, I think he is "the one". I mean, I don't plan on marriage or anything like that anytime soon, but I'm pretty sure I've found him. It's kind of funny, we went to high school together, and he asked me to go out with him several times and I always said no. lol.

What else..

Well, this isn't such happy news. My Aunt thinks my grandmother has alzheimer's disease. She repeats herself over and over, forgets everything, all kinds of stuff. I guess it happened just all of the sudden. They lived together in Florida, but after my Uncle passed away, they bought a house in Tennessee, and now my Aunt is thinking about selling it and just staying in Florida. I wish they would stay in Tennessee instead, because that way if she needed us we could be there in less than six hours. Anyway, my little sister, Katelyn, goes to stay with my Aunt and Grandmother every summer, she has since she was a baby. This year she's having a really hard time, she's too young to fully comprehend what is going on with my Grandmother, and she always calls crying. She's coming home soon, next Friday in fact. All three of them are in Florida at the moment, and they'll be driving up to Tennessee Tuesday, then leave for Ohio Thursday. I'm really excited to have her home, she left in May.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but I finally decided what I want to do in school. I want to study Medical Information Technology. It's not exactly my passion, but a job in that field would have excellent job security, and the benefits are amazing. I figured I would take photography and automotive classes also, which are my passions, and just make a hobby out of them. *shrug* So I am going to take my placement test for college this upcoming week. I've taken it before, it's just a basic math and writing test, but I'm still nervous. The reading and writing part are really easy, but I'm terrible at math and will undoubtedly be placed in a remedial class. Oh well.

OOOH! Guess what? I haven't had a seizure in nearly three weeks! I'm having some pretty gnarly anxiety, and I'm still fainting, but haven't had any convulsions or anything! Yay! I haven't really done anything different. I just started paying attention to my warning signs and then laying down or whatever. I am so happy, I hope they stay away so I can get a job and my license! Wish me luck!

Ugh, it has been so hot here. With the heat index, it's been about 110 degrees (F) all this week. It's absolutely miserable. We really haven't been going anywhere, since gas is so expensive and the air conditioning in the SUV sucks gas pretty bad. I hope it rains soon, to cool things off.

Well, that's all for now I suppose. There's more but I'm afraid my internet is going to cut out. I hope everyone has been doing well!

I can't sleep because I keep thinking about something. One thing in particular. No method my mind can fathom is giving me any solution or rationalization about this, and that doesn't happen very often. I'm often at a loss for words, but never for thought. The thought of this terrifies me, and I hate having to do this, but I am going to have to wait and see how this plays out. This particular situation is so delicate, precarious even. I hate not being able to know how things will work themselves out. I'm frustrated with myself, I've always got the answers, the solutions. I rely on myself for control, and I trust myself, but in this instance, it's not up to me. I want to jump up and stomp on something. I'm not angry, but I am so torn. I can always sit for a moment, and have everything planned out, understand the constants, allow room for variables, and find the answers.

I don't want to plan anymore. It hasn't worked well so far for me, might as well abandon that approach. So screw it. What happens happens and I will gladly roll with it.

Hmm..what is she talking about? English composition? Psychology? Not math..she's terrible at math. No, none of the above. But however it goes, I'll let you all know. For now, I'm gonna try my hand at free falling.

So WOW. Been a while hasn't it? I had to do the restart disk thingy again on my laptop and had to re-do my wireless connector thing.

Not alot has happened, well, not really.

I'm single. For good this time. I give up. I'm still trying for temporary disability and some government aid insurance, it's taking a long time, there's alot of red tape apparently. I have been accepted to a local community college, I don't know for sure what I want to do yet so I;m majoring in Liberal Arts lol. Health wise, I'm rolling even. Still having seizures, panic attacks, and I'm developing these weird OCD type phobias. They're absolutely ridiculous and make no sense, but I'm trying to work through it. And sadly, without the government aid insurance, I can't go to the doctor to get help or for the required health screenings for temporary disability. Crazy huh? And I am so sorry Mark, to hear that they haven't figured out whats going on. I know all that testing with no result is really frustrating. Keep pushing though, and ask as many questions as you can think of. I do hope you get some answers!

What else...

Our fridge went out, and we lost all the food in the fridge and freezer. We have been living out of a cooler for about 3 days which SUCKED. But we finally got a new one today, it's really tiny, but I'm very thankful. My little sister Katelyn is in Florida with my grandmother, as she is every summer. She really didn't want to go this time since she's old enough to work here, but she went. And I'm not sure if I mentioned this previously, but Daisy passed away some time ago.

I've been quite bored actually. I hate to use that word but I am! I've done all the cleaning I can think to do. We don't have cable, so that's bleh. My cell got shut off and I'm using the house phone now but none of my friends want to call the house :( I play cards almost every night with my mom, and she always beats me, so that's no fun anymore. All the public pools around here are closed due to lack of funds. What am I to do?!

Oh! And thank goodness miss Abby S. was found safe! When I heard about her on the news I was so worried!

Well, that's it for now, hope everyone is well and enjoying the almost summer weather!