A Not So Average Life

I can't sleep because I keep thinking about something. One thing in particular. No method my mind can fathom is giving me any solution or rationalization about this, and that doesn't happen very often. I'm often at a loss for words, but never for thought. The thought of this terrifies me, and I hate having to do this, but I am going to have to wait and see how this plays out. This particular situation is so delicate, precarious even. I hate not being able to know how things will work themselves out. I'm frustrated with myself, I've always got the answers, the solutions. I rely on myself for control, and I trust myself, but in this instance, it's not up to me. I want to jump up and stomp on something. I'm not angry, but I am so torn. I can always sit for a moment, and have everything planned out, understand the constants, allow room for variables, and find the answers.

I don't want to plan anymore. It hasn't worked well so far for me, might as well abandon that approach. So screw it. What happens happens and I will gladly roll with it.

Hmm..what is she talking about? English composition? Psychology? Not math..she's terrible at math. No, none of the above. But however it goes, I'll let you all know. For now, I'm gonna try my hand at free falling.

So WOW. Been a while hasn't it? I had to do the restart disk thingy again on my laptop and had to re-do my wireless connector thing.

Not alot has happened, well, not really.

I'm single. For good this time. I give up. I'm still trying for temporary disability and some government aid insurance, it's taking a long time, there's alot of red tape apparently. I have been accepted to a local community college, I don't know for sure what I want to do yet so I;m majoring in Liberal Arts lol. Health wise, I'm rolling even. Still having seizures, panic attacks, and I'm developing these weird OCD type phobias. They're absolutely ridiculous and make no sense, but I'm trying to work through it. And sadly, without the government aid insurance, I can't go to the doctor to get help or for the required health screenings for temporary disability. Crazy huh? And I am so sorry Mark, to hear that they haven't figured out whats going on. I know all that testing with no result is really frustrating. Keep pushing though, and ask as many questions as you can think of. I do hope you get some answers!

What else...

Our fridge went out, and we lost all the food in the fridge and freezer. We have been living out of a cooler for about 3 days which SUCKED. But we finally got a new one today, it's really tiny, but I'm very thankful. My little sister Katelyn is in Florida with my grandmother, as she is every summer. She really didn't want to go this time since she's old enough to work here, but she went. And I'm not sure if I mentioned this previously, but Daisy passed away some time ago.

I've been quite bored actually. I hate to use that word but I am! I've done all the cleaning I can think to do. We don't have cable, so that's bleh. My cell got shut off and I'm using the house phone now but none of my friends want to call the house :( I play cards almost every night with my mom, and she always beats me, so that's no fun anymore. All the public pools around here are closed due to lack of funds. What am I to do?!

Oh! And thank goodness miss Abby S. was found safe! When I heard about her on the news I was so worried!

Well, that's it for now, hope everyone is well and enjoying the almost summer weather!

Mariah, if you read this, I am so sorry I haven't written you back yet. I haven't written a letter in so long, I forgot I need stamps, and I haven't had a chance to go get any just yet.

Anyway.

It has been a boring day. I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to go through all my clothes. Then my mom popped her head in my room and asked if I wanted some coffee around 6 am because she couldn't sleep either. But she got tired around 10, and I didn't want to bother her by cleaning to keep myself up, so I just went back to bed. Yep. Now she's asleep in my bed, and I am sitting around watching The Office because I don't have cable. So that's my day.

So every spring, this bird nests in the dryer vent in the back of our apartment. It's really cute, getting to hear the baby birds chirping everytime the mother leaves. Oh! And there are alot of canadian geese around here, and we discovered two of them that were nesting in small shrub gardens in the shopping center down the road. One was in front of the Hallmark store, and it's mate would stand beside her day and night. The other was in front of Elder Beerman. We check on them every day, and sometimes bring bread. But the other day, we went to see them and they had both abandoned their eggs, and their nests had trash all around them. Someone had chased them off. I was more upset than I probably should have been. I just can't understand how someone could be so cruel.

So yeah. I'm just rambling.

Yay! Thanks to Manda's husband Scott, I have my laptop back!

SO much has happened since my last post. Well, not really that much, but it seems like alot to me.

Daisy passed away, and instead of the expected sadness I just felt relief. She was in such poor health, I'm just glad she's not hurting anymore. I'm single again, and I'd rather not elaborate. I will say however, that I'm really glad that I have time to focus on myself and my health for the time being. What else, my seizures have gotten worse because I had to stop taking my anti-seizure meds due to lack of funds. I'm trying to eat better and exercise more, and that seems to be keeping the worst at bay for now.

I just want to elaborate on the seizure condition for a moment. I have to go back a few years. When I was about 12, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. It's a relatively common thing. It causes frequent and uncontrollable "anxiety attacks" and "nervous breakdowns". The way it has been explained to me, it's just a chemical imbalance in the brain, the can be helped with cognitive behavioral therapy and medication. My anxiety attacks vary in strength, and I have them multiple times a day. They basically consist of lightheadedness and dizziness, heart palpitations, shakiness, tunnel vision, cold sweats and ect. They are also accompanied by an unreasonable fear of immediate death. The best way to explain it is this : Imagine you're being chased by a crazy axe murderer. Your mind is racing, you're scared like you've never been scared before, and shaking, your heart is pumping and you're terrified he's going to kill you. Lol, I know that's weird, but that's how it feels. Anyway! The seizures started about a year ago. I go into something like a severe anxiety attack, and I really don't remember much after that. I end up in convulsions, blacking out, and being conscious but not coherent. I go into a deep, sleep I guess you'd call it, for about 2-4 hours. That's about it.

I've had every test you could imagine. EEGs, which is where you have wires attached to your head, wrapped in gauze, and you get to carry around the monitor in a nice fanny pack. I've had MRI's and CT scans, bloodwork and X-rays, apparently all to no avail. So everyone is stumped. I just get so frustrated because my family is low income and before all of this, I was the primary breadwinner. I lost my job over this and I can't work because odds are, I'll just get fired again. Sorry, I'm just venting.

Yep.

In lighter news, I think I've figured out what I'd like to study in college. I think I want to be a high school english teacher. Did you know english teachers have to take anthropology? Weird. I'm also keeping my hopes high that I can figure out all this medical mess, and get it taken care of so I can drive again, and maybe get a part time job. I really do miss working. This summer, I may travel to Tennessee to visit my grandmother (she's nearly 80, but meaner than a snake!) and my aunt Carole, who just purchased a house with alot of land. I've heard talk about a go-cart track. ^.^ Katelyn just had a birthday, I can't believe she's 15 already! She is so beautiful, she looks nothing like me. She has hair worthy of a Pantene shampoo commercial, and she is always tan. She's way taller than me too, I'm 5'8, and she's nearly 5'11. Lol.

I'm sorry this post is so long, and if you read it thank you. I hope everyone is doing well!

Here are some sites I just discovered thanks to Manda. They are alot of fun if you're bored, sad, mad, or just want to feel better about your day. I'm addicted!



givesmehope.com

a sweet website with stories about everyday people and extraordinary kindness.


lovegivesmehope.com

a site that had hundreds of short stories about compassion and love.


mylifeisaverage.com

a really fun site about everyday living and fun things that happen to normal people.


fmylife.com

a site where people share embarrassing moments, it's really quite funny.

I've got a thing for cute bunny pictures, and thought you may like some of these! (From icanhascheezburger.com )

I just got my laptop back from the manufacturer, they repaired my broken screen. Now, it has a virus and the restart disk I sent in with the computer was wiped. So I had to take it to Manda's husband to see if he can't have a look at it. I'm writing from the library now. I hate being on the Internet at the library, I always feel like someone is reading over my shoulder 0.O

So let's see, not much going on really. Single again, but I'm happy about it. Gives me time to center and focus on myself. I like it. I do miss the company though. But that's what kitties are for :) Daisy isn't doing too well, I don't know if I mentioned it before but the thing I thought was a tumor was actually an infection. Well, I thought I got it cleared up pretty nice, used peroxide and a little antibiotic ointment. But last night I heard her breathing funny, and when I checked on her, she was bleeding, bright red blood. I know that's not a good thing, so I took her into the sink and washed it off as best I could, cleaned the wound and applied as much pressure as she'd let me. I'm afraid is a flesh eating bacteria, so I called the Humane Society that I used to volunteer for and asked how much they'd charge to put her down. I looked up home euthanasia on Google, but it involved CO2, and I'm pretty sure I'd end up euthanizing myself in the process. :/

Today I had to go have a mental evaluation for the Medical I'm applying for. I don't really understand why I needed a mental evaluation for seizures, but whatever gets me help I guess. The lady was really weird, she kept making crazy long eye contact with me, and I didn't know what to do. I had to do some word association stuff. Like, "What do an apple and banana have in common?" I said fruit. "What do an anchor and a fence have in common?" I said....uhhhhhh...? I had to say the months in backwards order, I missed October and march..lol. Anyway, I hope I never have to do that again.

I rode my bike to the library (bad idea) I forgot how many steep hills are on this street. AND I almost got hit at an intersection. I waited for the cars to turn, I had the signal to walk, and the guy in the wrong turn lane all of the sudden decides he wants to turn over the crosswalk as I am crossing. He's on his cell phone, almost hits me, and then yells profanities out his window. Come on, will it kill you to wait fifteen seconds for me to get out of the way? Oh well. I just smiled and waved.

Mom and I took a walk by the river today, saw some geese and ducks. They had really pretty tulips and I think they're called hyacynths? They're purple and look like little beads strung along the stem. But it was nice. Oh by the way, I live by the Great Miami River. Grown up around it. It's icky in some spots with all the runoff from factories and stuff. Other spots though, are really clean and fun to play and fish in.

OH OH OH! I got to ride on a motorcycle for the first time! It was soooooo much fun. We went to my Mom's friends house and her boyfriend asked if I wanted to go. He's a really big guy, and it was super hard to try to hold onto him lol. He went really fast, and somewhere along the way my phone fell out of my pocket. I had to go back and look for it, and when we found it, it was in pieces. I got it all back together, and it works fine. It's got a few chips in it but I think that gives my cheap little phone character.

So yeah, that's about all I can think of. I'll try to post as often as I can until I get my laptop back (not sure when that will be, may have to send it back to Toshiba). But as always, thanks for reading! Hoping you're days are going smooth :)